alternamommy

photo friday: in progress

2012-01-20T16:51:00.000-08:00

Zombies!

photo friday: sushi

2012-01-13T11:51:00.000-08:00

Chicken Walnut Roll from Sushi Hana in Towson, MD: tempura chicken and fresh apples inside a roll topped with walnuts and a sweet sauce.

I could eat sushi every day. For reals. When I moved to Maryland I was surprised to find that the Baltimore area is chock full of fantastic sushi restaurants. This meal is from one of my favorites. The combination of warm chicken, crisp apples, crunchy walnuts and the tangy sweet sauce is to die for. Just looking at this makes me hungry for it again.

resolutions

2012-01-02T08:41:00.000-08:00

Every December 31st, I tend to make new year's resolutions that are all about less.
Spend less. Argue less. Worry less. Weigh less, and so on. There are so many things we all feel that we need to take out of our lives. So many things to subtract. But this year? This year I want to focus on more.

Cook more.

Paint more.

Glitter more.

Learn more.

Photograph more.

Laugh more.

2012 will be my year of more. Instead of listing all the things I need to take away, I'm going to devote more time to all the wonderful, joyful, creative things I can add to make life better for myself and the people I love.

Take a moment today to ask yourself what your world could use more of. Sometimes all that's missing is you.

P.S. And yes, blog more.

happy

2011-09-11T11:28:00.000-07:00

photo credit: Tantalizing Enigma Photography

I keep telling myself I'm going to start blogging regularly again, and I keep putting it off. Not because I don't want to, but I never think I have anything worth saying anymore. Maybe I don't, but I figured today, my birthday, is as good a time as ever to drag my ass back here.

The last time I blogged about my birthday, my life was very different. I was very different. Since then I have changed in many ways, mostly good, some...not so much. I have experienced much, and learned even more. I've learned that I am the only person in charge of me, and I cannot sit back and rely on others to decide my fate. People may influence my life for better or worse, but at the end of the day, I'm calling the shots, and I have learned when and how to make better, smarter choices. I spent a long time playing a passive role in my life story, and I'm done with that version of myself.

In this moment my life is, with very few exceptions, exactly what I want it to be. I have a home. I have my daughter back. I am comfortable with my place in the world. I cut my hair, I lost 15 pounds, I'm on my way to becoming the person I wished I was two years ago. Sometimes I struggle with the bills, sometimes Autumn misses living with both of her parents, sometimes I feel overwhelmed. What matters is that I go to bed every night in a place where I feel safe and loved. Things are good, and they're getting better.

SHE'S BACK.

2011-06-19T05:54:00.001-07:00

And she's already making art...

making friends...
and making herself at home here.
I've spent the last few days just soaking up her sunshine. She's at least a head taller and missing several more teeth since she left for California last year. I'm finding so much happiness in little things I used to take for granted. Brushing her hair, making her breakfast, folding her laundry. I have missed all of these things so much.

I have missed blogging. I've had plenty to write about, but I guess I just haven't felt inspired or motivated enough to sit down and do it. Now that Tiny Small is here to stay, I think I'll get right back to writing and sharing here. In November I found us a two bedroom apartment in the suburbs of Baltimore county. It's nothing fancy, but it's home.

I love our life here. It's a much needed new beginning for both of us.

seven

2010-09-28T20:29:00.000-07:00

Today is her birthday.

Missing her doesn't get much easier with time. I still look at her pictures, talk to her on the phone and feel that pain in my heart that never really goes away. I feel like I have failed her, failed as a mother. I couldn't take care of her, couldn't provide for her. There are so many questions on my mind. Will she resent me for my shortcomings as a parent? Other moms seem to be able to hold things together just fine. Why didn't I make better choices? Why can't I be better, give her everything she needs? Will she think that I gave up on her? Does she really understand why I had to do what I did, or does she just say she understands? Will she still love me when she comes back?

What does it mean to be a good mother? Am I a bad mom?

Am I a bad mom?

we go on.

2010-05-19T20:38:00.000-07:00

Things are getting better.

I work full time now, sometimes more. I've taught myself how to manage my time and money efficiently. I've worked out a budget and specific goals to reach. So far I'm doing okay at this whole "being an independent adult human being" thing. It's a learning curve but I'm getting there. I pay my rent on time. I'm good at my job. I'm slightly less terrified of the world. I'm starting to like myself. I'm almost like an actual person.

She has lost several teeth and gained several inches of hair. As predicted, she quickly made friends at her new school. She is a beautifully resilient child and I am proud of how well she has adjusted to the sudden changes that have been thrust upon her. She went to a science fair. She went to the beach to wish the sea lions a happy Easter. She has a new robotic dog. We've recently started using Skype. A few days ago, I got a package from her in the mail. A Mother's Day gift. She still tells me on the phone that I'm the awesomest mom. With every ounce of my being I ache to hold her in my arms.

Every morning I wake up after a night of little sleep. I drag myself out of bed and into the bathroom. I look my reflection in the eye. And in my head I say to myself,

"Failure is not an option."

"Failure is not an option."

"Failure is not an option."

Where to begin?

2010-01-26T08:47:00.000-08:00

Well. It's been quite a while since I've posted here, and a lot has changed in the time between.

Back in November Adam and I split up. The reasons were many and the circumstances were complicated. I could go on and on about what happened and why, but I won't, at least not today. Not really because it makes me sad or because I'm not ready to talk about it (though those things are true), but because it just isn't important right now. I changed. He changed. We both made choices we can't take back. We are going our separate ways.

What is important right now is this.

See that? That's my whole world. That is the reason I get out of bed every morning, the reason for every breath in my lungs. That is the most beautiful pair of brown eyes, the most contagious giggle, the silliest grin, the sweetest hugs. That is my Tiny Small. That is my girl, boarding a plane to California.

Without me.

I have never lived on my own. When I turned 18 I went from my family's home to Adam, and I was dependent on him for just about everything for over three years. I've never had to rely on myself. I've never had to really grow up. Now due to the situation I've found myself in, I needed to get out on my own before I was fully prepared. In October I started my first "real" job in years. It's a good job, but I have to work full time to make ends meet for Autumn and me, and if I do that I won't have time to actually raise her. What it comes down to is that I simply cannot take care of her by myself at this point, so my mother has generously offered to take her in until I can get on my feet. This way I will know that she is being taken care of by people who love her, and I won't have to worry that she's going without the things she needs. In the meantime, I'm moving into a small apartment with a roommate. The rent is cheap and it's within walking distance of my job, which will allow me to save up plenty of extra money for when she comes back.

I know that there are people out there who will judge me harshly for my choice, but all I can say to them is that unless you have been in my position, you haven't the slightest idea what this has been like for me. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my adult life. It was a choice that I mulled over for weeks, weighing my options and always, always putting Autumn first. I am not trying to escape responsibility. I am not abandoning my child. I am doing what I truly believe is best for her right now. And I guarantee that there is not a soul on the planet who knows what is best for her better than I do.

My heart breaks a thousand times over to see her go. I'm going to miss so much. First grade, her seventh birthday, all the lost teeth and trips to the beach and new friends. I will call her every day and send her packages and look at photographs, but I can't hug her when she skins her knee on the playground. I can't pack her lunch every day. I can't kiss her good night. When she left, she took a part of me with her.

But I can't change that. I can do one of two things now. I can sit around feeling sorry for myself, or I can fight to bring my girl back home. This is about a new beginning for both of us. I want to build a life for us here. My will is strong and my goals are clear, and I'll be damned if I let anything or anyone stand in my way.

2009-10-16T13:38:00.000-07:00

My dear Sweet P has left us.

This morning I took her and Victoria out of their cage for play time. They ran around on our bed, exploring and hiding under blankets and sheets like they always do. Playing peekaboo with their little pink noses. Then Penelope laid down. She sat very still next to my pillow for several minutes, only looking up when I stroked her back. I thought maybe she was tired. It was pretty early and they usually sleep most of the day. So I took them back to their cage to let them rest. Ten minutes later I checked on them and Penelope wasn't breathing. Her body was still warm and her tiny black eyes were still open when she went limp in my hands.

I don't think that it had anything to do with the tumor or the surgery. She was just very old and very tired. Her death was quiet and peaceful, and I'm glad that she had a chance to play and tunnel through the sheets one last time before the end.

Penelope was a wonderful companion. She was sweet and shy and never said no to a scritch behind the ears. She loved carrots, applesauce and her pink fleece blankie. She liked to snuggle on my chest and eat treats out of my hand. She was so brave when she battled cancer and went through surgery, which she bounced back from beautifully. No matter how bad my day was, she could always cheer me up. Her fuzzy little face and her velvety ears always made me smile. I loved the way her whiskers tickled my face. I loved the little patches of white fur above her paws, how they made her look like she was wearing dainty little gloves.

She was a good rat, and I miss her so much it hurts.

Penelope Rosado

2007-2009

the plague comes to baltimore

2009-10-16T10:55:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday night Adam and I headed to the Bourbon Street Ballroom in Baltimore to see Emilie Autumn on her very first North American tour. Not only was it a good excuse to dress like an escaped tightrope walker from a goth circus, but it was one hell of a show.

Emilie and her Bloody Crumpets put on a stunning, elaborate performance that combined her music with acrobatics, burlesque and beautifully choreographed dance. It was like nothing I'd ever seen before. Emilie's voice is just as lovely live as it is on her albums, and she can shred on that electric violin like nobody's business.

And would you get a load of those outfits? Amazing. I don't know how anyone manages to prance across a stage spinning hula hoops and walking on stilts in a corset, but they made it look easy. All of the costumes they wear are handmade, which makes me all the more inspired to add some of these looks to my own wardrobe. Seriously, who wouldn't want a pair of stripey bloomers? I went to bed that night with my head full of dreams of painted parasols, tea stained dresses and lace ruffles.

If you're not familiar with Emilie and her music, you need to be. Seriously, look her up on YouTube or something, and then get yourself to the nearest stop on her 2009 Asylum Tour. You can't see this woman live and not fall hopelessly, utterly in love.

ain't no party like a back yard faerie party

2009-10-09T16:15:00.001-07:00

Some of my fondest childhood memories are of birthday parties. Whether it's an elaborate affair with pony rides and moon bounces or a cake-and-balloons night with a few friends, birthday parties always feel special. Sure, other holidays are nice, but only once a year can you invite your pals and loved ones over just to celebrate how awesome you are.

On Sunday we had a belated birthday party for a certain awesome six-year-old. The yard was decked out with handmade decorations, including ribbon and tulle garlands and the ubiquitous Martha Stewart pom poms.

The piece de resistance was this set of mushroom stools, handmade by Adam and yours truly. I'm not even going to tell you how much blood, sweat and tears went into making these bad boys, how many times I muttered profanities at my sewing machine or had to run to Home Depot for yet another can of spray paint. The idea was inspired by similar stools we saw at the Maryland Faerie Festival. There they had about a hundred of them, but eight was more than enough to make me want to swear off crafting for the rest of my life. They are pretty awesome, though. Who knew a few plastic buckets, some plywood and felt could look so dang cute?
The cake was a devil's food tree stump, topped with a tiny faerie and magic wand candles. I'm not winning any awards for cake decorating, but it was delicious. It disappeared faster than you can say "domestically challenged."

Our lilliputian guests pretty much kept themselves entertained, with a table full of craft supplies and dollar store faerie wings to decorate (an outdoor party is the perfect setting for messy, glittery crafts. do not attempt indoors), hula hoops, and giant bubbles. As the sun set there was a glow stick lit treasure hunt for bags of party favors, which sadly I didn't get any decent pictures of. Each friend was given a bit of homemade play dough (tinted blue and sprinkled with glitter), a hand sewn mushroom hair pin, and, of course, a few Pixy Stix, all in paper bags that the birthday girl decorated herself.

Good friends, good food, and good weather made for a perfect Sunday afternoon. It was worth all the hard work in the end, but maybe next year we'll throw a party that involves a little less carpentry.

electric blues

2009-09-30T06:25:00.001-07:00

six!

2009-09-28T10:23:00.000-07:00

You are six years old today. You can reach your toothbrush by yourself. You ride your bike with no hands. You make pipe cleaner sculptures and excellent peanut butter and honey sandwiches. You sign papers with a tiny drawing of a flower in place of your middle name. I am so proud of the person you're becoming. You are bold and smart and unabashedly you. You charge into every new experience with confidence and enthusiasm as if to say, "Here I am, world! What can you show me today?"

You are the person I wish I could be more often. I was born an old woman. At your age I was already tired and bored with the world. You are a new soul, thrilled to just be alive. I have learned so much from you. In the glow of your spark I am able to look at the world around us in new ways, to appreciate life much more than I ever did as a child.

Your energy, your sense of wonder is what makes you you. Never ever lose that, my sweet girl. Hold onto it for as long as you can. It may seem like nothing to you now, but when you've grown up you will do great things with it.

Happy sixth birthday, Autumn Rose. I love you. So much.

down on the farm

2009-09-27T17:11:00.000-07:00

This weekend we took advantage of the last of this year's warm weather with a visit to nearby Clark's Elioak Farm, one of our favorite local attractions. The storybook inspired concrete buildings and characters scattered throughout the farm are pieces salvaged from The Enchanted Forest, a now defunct amusement park that was featured in a certain John Waters movie in the early 90s. Their sweet vintage charm--along with the petting farm and pony rides--is what keeps us coming back several times a year. Later in October we'll return for our Halloween pumpkins and local apple cider.

When I was a kid I read every one of the Little House on the Prairie books and became enchanted with the idea of a simple country life, living off the land and taking only what you need, walking outside to nothing but a big blue sky and endless fields of green. I wanted more than anything to live on a farm, braid my hair and call my parents "Ma" and "Pa."

Now that I'm an adult the idea of waking up at the buttcrack of dawn to shovel poo has somehow lost its charm, but I still hold on to the idea of a modest homestead with a big back yard and a vegetable garden, a few chickens, maybe even a goat or something. Visiting places like this makes my soul ache to move someplace quiet and green that we can call our own.

Will it ever happen? Maybe one day. Until then I'll keep coming back to this place to pretend.

21

2009-09-11T23:49:00.000-07:00

Happy birthday to me!

Today I learned that...

Wine tastes exactly like it smells, which is to say that it tastes like cough syrup and olive juice. I don't think I'm going to be much of a wine connoisseur.Birthday vegan banana macadamia nut ice cream in a bowl made of sugar and awesome > birthday cake. Also, in candlelight you can totally see my bra through my shirt.
Flat ironed hair + rain = Tim Burton's rebellious teenage sister.

Adam had to work so we didn't get to do a whole lot, but it was a good day. Tomorrow will be Birthday Part II, during which it will hopefully not rain, some friends will be visiting, and I'll have a proper picture to show you of the awesome birthday skirt I made myself.

before and after

2009-09-10T18:47:00.000-07:00

before: big mean tumor

after: badass scar

Yesterday Miss Penelope went under the knife to remove that big ol' baddie on her belly. The surgery went smoothly and her vet is optimistic about her recovery. She's on medication for the pain and she needs to be separated from her sister for a couple of weeks while she heals, but she has been quite the little trooper through all of this. She is just as sweet and friendly as ever. Even the staff at the animal hospital couldn't help but fall in love with my Sweet P. I don't know if she understands that the surgery was for her own good or not, but she is handling it much better than I expected her to, and I am relieved.

I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. My 21st birthday is tomorrow, and I couldn't ask for a better gift than knowing that my little fuzzbutt is okay. After all the joy she has brought me, the old girl deserves a fighting chance.

sweet p

2009-09-05T16:16:00.000-07:00

A few days ago I noticed a strange lump on Penelope's belly, near her left hind leg. Knowing how susceptible fancy rats are to tumors, I took her to the vet the next day to have it looked at. After some poking and prodding and testing he concluded that, yes, she has cancer.

He told me that I have three options. I can have the tumor surgically removed, with a high risk of the cancer coming back. I can let the tumor run its course, growing in size until it eventually kills her, or I can have her euthanized.
From the outside this may seem like a simple choice, but it isn't. What if she has the surgery and it does come back? Then I'll have put her through a painful operation for nothing. The last thing I want is for her to suffer in any way. If I put her to sleep to avoid the risk of any pain I don't know if I can live with the guilt of never knowing if she could have been saved. A tiny living thing is depending on me to do what is best for her. A living thing who can't tell me what she needs. The way I feel now brings back strong memories of the way I felt six years ago, when my doctor told me I was pregnant. No one tells you how to handle these things. No one prepares you for the day you need to make these choices. It's a heavy load to carry, especially when you've got to do it alone.

Penelope is the sweetest, gentlest little rat I've ever known. When she looks up at me with those beady little eyes it breaks my heart to think that there is something inside her tiny body that is slowly killing her. The vet says she isn't in any pain right now. She acts like she always has, like nothing is wrong, but I wonder if she knows. I want to scoop her up and plead, beg her to tell me what I'm supposed to do. I know that she can't. It would just be so much easier that way.

Cancer is a bitch.

autumn blogs: school time (as dictated to alternamom)

2009-08-31T13:25:00.000-07:00

It was great! We read a book and I had a sandwich for lunch. I went outside for recess. I went on a slide, and I also played in a sandbox. We played with a parachute at art class and we also drew pictures in art class. I made a friend before I went to art. She likes to swim. My teacher is the one who read the story. She also let us out for recess. She's a great teacher and I hope I see her again. I like the other kids. The bus ride was awesome and great. I have a mosquito bite on my head.

there she goes

2009-08-31T08:57:00.000-07:00

Hey, see that kid up there? The one with the fuzzy skirt and the Cthulhu backpack? The one who grew up in the blink of an eye? That's my kid, and she's in kindergarten.

Yes, today was the small one's first day of school. Alarm clocks went off, french toast was eaten, a sappy note was tucked into a chartreuse lunch box and a tiny little girl walked off into the world without us.

We've been waiting so long for this day. Now that it's here I find myself at once breathing a sigh of relief and wondering where the time went. Wasn't she just learning the alphabet yesterday? Isn't she too little to ride the bus? Where the hell did these size 12 shoes come from? I've feared becoming one of those clinging, blubbering mothers who can't let go. You know, the ones who wail "They grow up so fast!" and use words like "blossoming." Yet, alas, here I am saying goodbye to my kiddo, mostly proud and excited, but a small (teeny tiny) part of me wishing she didn't have to go. I didn't cry, but I am mom enough to admit that I teared up just a little as she walked away. Just a little.

They really do grow up so fast.

P.S. As we were dropping her off, another child asked me if I have purple hair because I'm a mad scientist. I said yes.

random acts of violets

2009-08-21T17:41:00.000-07:00

a fresh start

2009-08-12T09:36:00.000-07:00

Well hello there. If you're reading this you may have been directed here from my old blog, Sugar and Snails. Welcome to my brand new shiny corner of the blogosphere! If you're new to my inane ramblings about my fairly unremarkable life, allow me to introduce myself and the cast of characters who will appear here from time to time.

This is me. A young crafty mama with a passion for art, zombies, and espresso sundaes.

Adam, my sweet nerdy love. He is my best friend.

My number one girl, Autumn Rose. In her five short years she has taught me more about life than anyone else could. I want to be like her when I grow up.

Also living with us are Michele, Adam's mother, and Daniel, his 14-year-old nephew. We live in a yellow house in Ellicott City, Maryland, with one spoiled Lhasa Apso and two fancy rats.

Months ago, I stopped blogging. I was going through a period of change and a lot of stress, and I needed some quiet time to adjust and reflect. I'm finally ready to come back, and I've missed it so much. This blog is a fresh start for a new chapter in my life, and I look forward to seeing where it goes.