photo friday: sushi

Chicken Walnut Roll from Sushi Hana in Towson, MD: tempura chicken and fresh apples inside a roll topped with walnuts and a sweet sauce.

I could eat sushi every day. For reals. When I moved to Maryland I was surprised to find that the Baltimore area is chock full of fantastic sushi restaurants. This meal is from one of my favorites. The combination of warm chicken, crisp apples, crunchy walnuts and the tangy sweet sauce is to die for. Just looking at this makes me hungry for it again.

resolutions

Every December 31st, I tend to make new year's resolutions that are all about less.
Spend less. Argue less. Worry less. Weigh less, and so on. There are so many things we all feel that we need to take out of our lives. So many things to subtract. But this year? This year I want to focus on more.

Cook more.

Paint more.

Glitter more.

Learn more.

Photograph more.

Laugh more.

2012 will be my year of more. Instead of listing all the things I need to take away, I'm going to devote more time to all the wonderful, joyful, creative things I can add to make life better for myself and the people I love.

Take a moment today to ask yourself what your world could use more of. Sometimes all that's missing is you.






P.S. And yes, blog more.

happy

photo credit: Tantalizing Enigma Photography

I keep telling myself I'm going to start blogging regularly again, and I keep putting it off. Not because I don't want to, but I never think I have anything worth saying anymore. Maybe I don't, but I figured today, my birthday, is as good a time as ever to drag my ass back here.

The last time I blogged about my birthday, my life was very different. I was very different. Since then I have changed in many ways, mostly good, some...not so much. I have experienced much, and learned even more. I've learned that I am the only person in charge of me, and I cannot sit back and rely on others to decide my fate. People may influence my life for better or worse, but at the end of the day, I'm calling the shots, and I have learned when and how to make better, smarter choices. I spent a long time playing a passive role in my life story, and I'm done with that version of myself.

In this moment my life is, with very few exceptions, exactly what I want it to be. I have a home. I have my daughter back. I am comfortable with my place in the world. I cut my hair, I lost 15 pounds, I'm on my way to becoming the person I wished I was two years ago. Sometimes I struggle with the bills, sometimes Autumn misses living with both of her parents, sometimes I feel overwhelmed. What matters is that I go to bed every night in a place where I feel safe and loved. Things are good, and they're getting better.

SHE'S BACK.

And she's already making art...

making friends...
and making herself at home here.
I've spent the last few days just soaking up her sunshine. She's at least a head taller and missing several more teeth since she left for California last year. I'm finding so much happiness in little things I used to take for granted. Brushing her hair, making her breakfast, folding her laundry. I have missed all of these things so much.

I have missed blogging. I've had plenty to write about, but I guess I just haven't felt inspired or motivated enough to sit down and do it. Now that Tiny Small is here to stay, I think I'll get right back to writing and sharing here. In November I found us a two bedroom apartment in the suburbs of Baltimore county. It's nothing fancy, but it's home.

I love our life here. It's a much needed new beginning for both of us.

seven

Today is her birthday.

Missing her doesn't get much easier with time. I still look at her pictures, talk to her on the phone and feel that pain in my heart that never really goes away. I feel like I have failed her, failed as a mother. I couldn't take care of her, couldn't provide for her. There are so many questions on my mind. Will she resent me for my shortcomings as a parent? Other moms seem to be able to hold things together just fine. Why didn't I make better choices? Why can't I be better, give her everything she needs? Will she think that I gave up on her? Does she really understand why I had to do what I did, or does she just say she understands? Will she still love me when she comes back?

What does it mean to be a good mother? Am I a bad mom?





Am I a bad mom?

we go on.

Things are getting better.


I work full time now, sometimes more. I've taught myself how to manage my time and money efficiently. I've worked out a budget and specific goals to reach. So far I'm doing okay at this whole "being an independent adult human being" thing. It's a learning curve but I'm getting there. I pay my rent on time. I'm good at my job. I'm slightly less terrified of the world. I'm starting to like myself. I'm almost like an actual person.

She has lost several teeth and gained several inches of hair. As predicted, she quickly made friends at her new school. She is a beautifully resilient child and I am proud of how well she has adjusted to the sudden changes that have been thrust upon her. She went to a science fair. She went to the beach to wish the sea lions a happy Easter. She has a new robotic dog. We've recently started using Skype. A few days ago, I got a package from her in the mail. A Mother's Day gift. She still tells me on the phone that I'm the awesomest mom. With every ounce of my being I ache to hold her in my arms.



Every morning I wake up after a night of little sleep. I drag myself out of bed and into the bathroom. I look my reflection in the eye. And in my head I say to myself,

"Failure is not an option."

"Failure is not an option."

"Failure is not an option."

Where to begin?

Well. It's been quite a while since I've posted here, and a lot has changed in the time between.

Back in November Adam and I split up. The reasons were many and the circumstances were complicated. I could go on and on about what happened and why, but I won't, at least not today. Not really because it makes me sad or because I'm not ready to talk about it (though those things are true), but because it just isn't important right now. I changed. He changed. We both made choices we can't take back. We are going our separate ways.

What is important right now is this.


See that? That's my whole world. That is the reason I get out of bed every morning, the reason for every breath in my lungs. That is the most beautiful pair of brown eyes, the most contagious giggle, the silliest grin, the sweetest hugs. That is my Tiny Small. That is my girl, boarding a plane to California.

Without me.

I have never lived on my own. When I turned 18 I went from my family's home to Adam, and I was dependent on him for just about everything for over three years. I've never had to rely on myself. I've never had to really grow up. Now due to the situation I've found myself in, I needed to get out on my own before I was fully prepared. In October I started my first "real" job in years. It's a good job, but I have to work full time to make ends meet for Autumn and me, and if I do that I won't have time to actually raise her. What it comes down to is that I simply cannot take care of her by myself at this point, so my mother has generously offered to take her in until I can get on my feet. This way I will know that she is being taken care of by people who love her, and I won't have to worry that she's going without the things she needs. In the meantime, I'm moving into a small apartment with a roommate. The rent is cheap and it's within walking distance of my job, which will allow me to save up plenty of extra money for when she comes back.

I know that there are people out there who will judge me harshly for my choice, but all I can say to them is that unless you have been in my position, you haven't the slightest idea what this has been like for me. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my adult life. It was a choice that I mulled over for weeks, weighing my options and always, always putting Autumn first. I am not trying to escape responsibility. I am not abandoning my child. I am doing what I truly believe is best for her right now. And I guarantee that there is not a soul on the planet who knows what is best for her better than I do.

My heart breaks a thousand times over to see her go. I'm going to miss so much. First grade, her seventh birthday, all the lost teeth and trips to the beach and new friends. I will call her every day and send her packages and look at photographs, but I can't hug her when she skins her knee on the playground. I can't pack her lunch every day. I can't kiss her good night. When she left, she took a part of me with her.

But I can't change that. I can do one of two things now. I can sit around feeling sorry for myself, or I can fight to bring my girl back home. This is about a new beginning for both of us. I want to build a life for us here. My will is strong and my goals are clear, and I'll be damned if I let anything or anyone stand in my way.